Things That Go Vroom is the seventh episode of Outpost Zero.


Brian and Jack get fed up with Austin's ATV, and the Reds get more than they asked for from command.


Red Team

Blue Team


Fade in to Michael talking to Nick.

Michael: "That didn't happen. No way."

Nick: "I was there. They were testing that laser on a wall. It burned right through it."

Michael: "Really? You expect me to think we have portable laser guns that can blow through armor in one shot?"

Nick: "I saw it! It took a while to charge up, but it went straight through the-"

Nick is cut off by Joe approaching,

Nick: "God damn it..."

Joe: "Excuse me, sir?"

Michael: "What."

Joe: "I just finished receiving a message from command. They said the replacement vehicle is on the way, although they seemed rather impatient when I tried to ask them about the allocation of more-"

Michael: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah okay. I got it. The replacement vehicle's on the way... wait. You mean replacement vehicle part?"

Joe: "Nope. Command specifically stated the replacement vehicle."

Michael: "All I needed was one part, not a new fucking Warthog!"

Nick: "Well now we have two."

Michael: "Where the fuck are we going to put it? We don't even have a fucking garage for the first one!"

Nick: "So? Just leave it outside. Problem solved."

Michael: "And then the things get fucked up. I don't want to have to keep fixing shit on the jeeps because they get left out."

Joe: "How come Blue Base gets to have a garage on their base. Seems unfair if you ask me."

Michael: "I don't fucking know! Go ask them... Fuck, Jones is gonna be pissed when he finds out."

Joe walks off.

Nick: "Can't we just ditch the old one?"

Michael: "And put it where?"

Nick: "Anywhere, drive it off the cliffs or something."

Michael: "Yeah I don't want to waste a good Warthog."

Nick: "But it's broken!"

Michael: "One part is broken. Just one..."

Nick: "Whatever, have fun with your jeeps."

Nick walks off as the camera fades to Blue Base. Loud engine noises are heard as Brian walks up the ramp to the top of the base towards Jack.

Brian: "What the fuck is that god damn noise?!"

Jack: "Austin got his ATV running and he's been driving it around all day... How have you just heard it now?"

Brian: "I'm a heavy sleeper."

Jack: "Yeah, but it's 2 in the afternoon. How can you sleep that long?"

Brian: "I woke up before he started and went back to sleep. I'm a Lieutenant, I can do whatever I want here."

Jack: "God, I couldn't lay around like that all day."

Brian: "Austin could."

Jack: "Of course he could. He's as lazy as you."

Brian: "Well... yeah... But there's nothing to do here! Our orders are to hold this base, not go assault the Reds, and ever since we fucked up their jeep, they haven't tried to attack."

Jack: "By we, you mean Austin... who actually did something... unlike you..."

Brian: "I'm the Lieutenant! I don't have to do anything! I tell you guys what to do!"

Jack: "You never tell us to do anything."

Brian: "Because no one wants to do shit! I'm not gonna go around and invent shit for you to do!"

Jack: "Well, I've been bored all week."

Brian: "Then go play the damn computer!"

Jack: "I can't. Austin got it messed up."

Brian: "What do you mean?"

Jack: "This little picture of a cop shows up and says that there's a virus."

Brian: "Little cop? What?"

Jack: "Yeah, here look. This cop is trying to stop me from activating the virus."

Brian: "The fucking cop is the virus!"

Jack: "Oh."

The engine noises get louder.

Brian: "God damn thing's getting louder. (shouts) AUSTIN! AUSTIN! (turns on radio) AUUUSSSTTTIIIIN!"

Austin (shouting on radio over engine): "What?"

Brian: "Turn that fucking thing off and get back here!"

Austin: "What?"


Austin: "Okay, jeez calm down. You don't need to be an asshole."

Austin drives the Mongoose back into the garage as Brian followed by Jack come in. Even idling, the Mongoose is still loud.

Brian: "What the fuck is wrong with that thing?"

Austin: "Something's loose with the engine I think..."

Brian: "Well fuckin' fix it!"

Austin: "I don't know what part of the engine is causing it to do that."

Brian: "Well do something."

Austin: "I don't know how ATVs work. I used to mess around with bikes, but that's it."

Jack: "Let me see it."

Brian: "You know how to fix an engine?"

Jack (smacking engine with assault rifle): "Nope."

Austin: "Dude, stop! You're gonna fuck it up!"

Jack: "Oh well."

Brian: "The thing's already fucked up, and I'm gonna fuck it up worse with the rocket launcher in a minute."

Jack: "Rocket launcher doesn't work right. Tried it."

Brian: "We have grenades. Those will shut this thing up."

Jack punches the front of the Mongoose off, making it much quieter, but also causing flames to shoot out of the engine.

Jack (laughing): "Oops."

Austin: "Oh! Dude!"

Brian: "Hey it's quieter now."

Austin: "You fucking broke the front off and it's on fire!"

Jack: "Heh heh... It's on fire now."

Brian: "Eh the fire's not gonna mess anything up. Besides, it looks cooler with the flames now."

Austin: "Cooler?!"

Brian: "Yeah it's like those flame decals on racecars, but only real flames."

Jack: "Yeah, I upgraded it."

Austin: "It's on fire!"

Jack: "Do we have any marshmallows?"

Brian: "We have Austin."

Jack: "Okay, let's burn him over the fire then."

Austin: "You guys are fucking assholes. This thing is probably going to blow up, and I hope it takes you two with it."

Brian: "Relax, it's just some exhaust igniting or something. It's not hot enough to ignite the fuel."

Austin: "Well I can't drive it now."

Brian: "Sure you can, it will just be sorta hot."

Jack: "Heh heh, your bike is a flamer."

Austin: "Fucking assholes."

Austin gets on the burning Mongoose and drives off, flames coming right at him.

Austin (in distance): "Owww... this thing fucking hurts."

Cut back to Red Base:

Nick: "Hey that fucking noise stopped."

Michael: "What noise?"

Nick: "I was hearing this lawnmower noise all day."

Joe: "Yeah I noticed it today too. It sounded like it was coming from around Blue Base, if I'm not mistaken."

Michael: "Oh yeah. I was wondering what that was."

Nick: "Are the Blue's trying to mow grass or something."

Michael: "I have no fucking clue."

Peter (from a distance): "Smith!"

Michael (shouting back): "What?"

Peter: "Your shipment arrived."

Michael (quietly) "Ah shit. (returns to shouting) Yeah, command accidentally sent a new Warthog. I was gonna tell you but..."

Peter: "They didn't send a Warthog."

Nick (to Michael): "There ya go, problem solved."

Michael: "(to Nick) Hang on a sec. (returns to shouting again) So they sent the part then?"

Peter: "No..."

Michael: "Then what did they send?"

Peter: "Come out here and see for yourself."

Nick: "That doesn't sound good."

Michael (to Nick): "Ahhh damn it. Let's see what they brought us."

The reds walk outside as the camera stays on them.

Nick (awestruck): "Holy..."

Joe: "Well, that's quite a..."

Michael (shocked): "Damn..."

The camera turns to reveal a Scorpion tank.

Peter: "Yeah, you managed to get us a tank."

Michael: "That's definitely not a replacement part for the jeep."

Peter: "I don't want any of you touching that thing."

Michael: "Sir?"

Peter: "None of you have driven one of these. I don't want you screwing around with a tank right next to our base."

Joe: "Believe me, I wouldn't have the slightest clue how to operate that vehicle."

Peter: "Exactly, all I need is for you to fire the main cannon at the base and kill us all."

Nick (still staring at the Scorpion): "This thing is even better than the laser gun."

Michael: "We don't have laser guns!"

Cut back to Blue Base.

Brian: "Ohhh nooo."

Jack: "That's bad..."

Brian: "We are screwed..."

Jack: "How'd they get a tank?"

Brian: "I don't know..."

Jack: "All we got was a noisy ATV..."

Brian: "Oh shit, Austin's still out there. (activates radio) Austin!"

Austin (annoyed): "What do you want? I'm sore from all this fire right in front of me."

Brian: "Get back to base now."

Austin (uncaring): "Why?"

Brian: "Go take a look at fucking Red Base."

Austin: "(groans) Hang on... (panicked) OH SHIT! OH SHIT! DUDE! THERE'S A FUCKING TANK!"

Brian: "Yeah. Get back here, now."

Austin: "How the fuck do they get a tank?"

Austin pulls into the garage and runs up to Brian and Jack.

Austin: "That tank had a giant cannon on it!"

Brian: "Yeah, it's a Scorpion tank. Powerful enough to kill a jeep in one hit."

Jack: "What the hell do we do now?"

Austin: "Yeah, you're the Lieutenant! Now what?"

Brian: "We're fucking screwed..."

Fade to black.

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