Author's notes: This is a noire AU.

Chapter One: Why Are We HereEdit

Grif stood beside his squadcar, lighted a cigarette, and continued to ignore his partner Simmons. Grif had wavy brown hair and was as fat as a whale, but still managed to move around quickly when it came to food.

Simmons turned toward Grif, wondered if it would be worth it to ask him. After deliberating for some time, he finally turned around, and said, "Hey, you ever wonder why we're here?"

Grif turned slowly toward him, stared him down. "Well, that's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it?" he said sarcasitically, "Are we part of some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God, with a plan for us or something?"

Simmons paused to think that over. "What?!" he finally said, "I meant, why are we here, in this street?"

Grif turned around to cover his mouth, and hopefully smother his laughter. "Oh," he replied, thinking about how stupid Simmons was. "Sorry."

Simmons continued to stare. "What was all that stuff about God?" he asked, knowing that Grif probably thought he was an idiot.

Grif turned around, suppressing the urge to eat, "Nothing."

"Wanna talk about it?"


Simmons paused again, decided to ask the question that had been bothering him. "I mean, why are we here? The only reason we have a Red Team squadcar here, is because they have a Blue Team squadcar here. Whoop-de-doo."

Grif decided to answer. "What's up with that," he responded, "I mean, I signed up to take down some gangs. But next thing I know, Sherlock Holmes defeats the entire underworld, and I'm stuck here, fighting some petty thieves.

Church held the binoculars up to his eyes as he spied on the other squadcar. His partner, Tucker, paused as he fiddled with the radio. Finally, Tucker gave up trying, and asked, "What are they doing?"

Church turned slowly around. "What?"

"I asked, 'What are they doing?'"

"Man, I am getting so sick of that question!"

Tucker flew into a rage. "Well, you have the stupid binoculars, I can see like crap, so don't yell at me because I'm not gonna stand here and play with myself while you-"

"Allright," Church said, trying to calm Tucker down, "they're just standing there, and talking. That's all they ever do. It was the same five minutes ago when you asked me, so when you ask me five minutes from now, I'm gonna say, 'they're just standing there, and talking' Satisfied?"

Tucker paused, calmed down. "What are they talking about?"

Church punched him in the mouth.

"So, yeah," Grif said, "we should just explore, found new cities."

"Yeah," Simmons replied, "that's why they should put us in charge."

"Ladies," came the call of their sargeant over the radio, "get your butts down here."

Simmons cursed and kicked the wheel. Grif hopped into the driver's seat, and said into the radio, "Coming sir!"

Chapter 2