Better Dead Than Red is the second episode of Outpost Zero.


Privates Joe Daniels and Nick Johnson arrive at Red Base. Joe immediately annoys his the rest of his team, and Austin shows his lack of intelligence.


Red TeamEdit

Blue TeamEdit


Corporal Smith stands alone atop Red Base as a falcon approaches.

Cpl. Smith (shouting): "Sergeant, they're here."

Sergeant (shouting): "I'll be there in a minute..."

Cpl. Smith (to himself): "Of course..."

The falcon lands and two soldiers emerge, one in standard orange and another in... pink?

Cpl. Smith: "I'm Corporal Michael Smith. Welcome to Hemmorhage. Our Sergeant is... on his way."

Pink Soldier (in a grating and nasally voice): "Well hello Corporal. My name is Joe Daniels. As you can see, I only have the rank of Private, sir."

Michael: "Are you serious? Is this how you talk? Your voice..."

Joe: "What can I say? I have a unique voice. I find that it makes me easier to identify in a crowd of people, especially when I'm"

Orange Soldier: "I had to listen to him the whole fucking flight, have fun."

The orange soldier drops into the base as the Sergeant walks up the ramp. He hears Joe and turns around.

Sergeant: "Whoa. Not putting up with..."

However, Joe notices him.

Joe: "Excuse me, you are Sergeant Jones, correct?"

Sgt Jones: "Fuck... (turns around) Yes, and you would be?"

Joe: "I'm Private Joe Daniels. I correctly assumed you were our Sergeant because Nick Johnson is only a private..."

Sgt Jones (to Michael): "Who?"

Michael (to Sgt Jones): "The other recruit in standard orange I'm guessing, he went inside."

Sgt Jones (to Michael): "Ah. Smart plan. (Turns to face Joe) What's with the armor color? It's..."

Joe: "They told me that they had to give me a slightly off-red set of armor since they ran out of standard red and orange, but I told them ahem 'As long as it does it job, and works just as well, I don't care at all.'

Michael: "It's more than slightly off-red."

Joe: "Oh well I'm colorblind, so like I said 'I don't care at all.'"

Sgt Jones: "It's pink."

Joe: "What's that?"

Sgt Jones: "... your armor color."

Joe: "No what I meant by that question was 'What is pink?'"

Michael: "Sir, he wouldn't know what pink is because he can't see the difference."

Sgt Jones: "Whatever, as long as he doesn't shoot us, I don't give a fuck."

Sgt Jones starts heading toward the hole to the inside of the base.

Michael: "Sir, where are you..."

Sgt Jones: "Talking to the orange guy."

Sgt Jones jumps down and keeps walking.

Sgt Jones (to himself): "Have fun Mike... (Turns around and shouts) What's the orange guy's name again?"

Michael stares blankly than slowly turns toward Joe.

Joe (loudly and annoyingly): "His name is Nick Johnson. But look out, I tried talking to him earlier, he wasn't really talkative and he was really grumpy. I had to pester him for 20 minutes just to get his name."

Michael: "Ok, Private, we get it."

Joe: "What? I was just explaining to the Sergeant that Nick isn't a real talkative fellow and that he has an attitude as grumpy as a bear."

Michael: "As a bear? How does... No, fuck it. Just stop talking, okay? That's an order."

Joe: "Yes, sir! My lips are zipped! (makes zipping noise)"

Michael (to himself): "Oh my god... why me?"

Cut to Blue Base

Austin: "Hey Lieutenant?"

Brian: "What."

Austin: "Can I use that computer?"

Brian: "For what? It has no Network connection and like no games."

Austin: "So?"

Jack: "What are you gonna do on it then, Austin? Press random buttons?"

Austin: "I don't know. There's nothing to do here."

Brian: "It's a military base. It's not supposed to be entertaining. Actually wait, if I let you use the thing, will you leave me alone?"

Jack: "What about me?"

Brian: "What, you want to use it now?"

Jack: "No, I meant him leaving me alone too."

Brian: "Oh that makes more sense... Yeah. Ok, so if I let you use the computer, you'll leave me and Private Reynolds alone?"

Austin: "Private who?"

Brian: "This guy right here! Private Reynolds... Jack?"

Austin: "Ohh... I thought his last name was Raymond."

Jack: "What? No. Where'd you get Raymond from?"

Austin: "I misread your last name... god."

Jack: "It doesn't even look similar..."

Austin: "They both start with R's. Excuse me."

Brian: "So does retard."

Jack: "Ha. The Lieutenant hates you already..."

Austin: "Oh dudes, stop your shit."

Brian: "Excuse me?"

Austin: "Oh, whatever, can I just play the computer?'

Brian: "Will you shut up?"

Austin: "Yeah, because I'd rather play on a useless computer than talk to you two."

Brian: "Then shut up."

Austin: "But I want to use the computer."

Brian: "Good god. Use the damn thing and shut up!"

Austin (sarcastically): "Yes sir."

Cut back to Red Base interior

Sgt Jones: "Private."

Nick: "Sergeant."

Sgt Jones: "Um... welcome to Hemmorhage Canyon."

Nick (unenthusiasticly): "Yes sir..."

Sgt Jones: "Alright well... I'll be keeping watch in the sniper nest... over there... Uh, check in with Corporal Smith once you're unpacked and settled in."

Sgt Jones leaves.

Nick (to himself): "Well this fucking sucks."

Joe enters.

Nick: "Really fucking sucks."

Joe: "Hey guess what? I get the bunk right above yours!"

Nick moans.

Joe: "Oh. You were hoping you'd get the top bunk? Eh, what can I say? Sometimes you get lucky and sometimes you don't."

Nick: "Yeah I'd say I'm really fucking unlucky."

Joe: "Oh come on, we don't need that foul language. Like my mom always said, "When you're going to say something that's..."

Nick storms out and groans.

Joe: "Oh, well I'll talk to you later bunkmate!"

Cut back to Blue Base.

Austin (shouting): "They've got a Network connection."

Brian: "What's the problem now?"

Austin: "No the reds, they've got a Network connection."

Brian: "Okay..."

Austin: "I'm gonna see if I can use their connection."

Brian: "Go ahead, but it's gonna probably have a pass..."

Austin: "Damn it, it's got a password."

Brian: "Word... Well have fun trying to figure it out."

Austin: "I'm gonna try "password"."

Brian: "I don't think that they're that lazy to set their password to.."

Austin: "It worked!"

Brian: "Wait! What? Are you serious?"

Austin: "Yeah. Now I can download some games!"

Brian: "And fill the damn thing full of viruses... You know what, I don't care. The damn thing sucks, I wasn't going to use it anyways, knock yourself out."

Austin: "Yeah this is gonna be awesome! Oh hey! I'm the thousandth visitor on this page!"

Brian: "Okay two things. One: That says millionth... And two: It's a scam."

Austin: "But it says all I have to do is fill out a survey and then I get a free ATV!"

Brian: "It's not gonna work..."

Austin: "That's what you said about the password for the Network, but that worked."

Brian: "Well that was due to laziness by the Reds... Fuck it, go ahead, waste your time."

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